不知道先生

每天接到 Ethan 我的第一句話就是 How was your day?
他的回答幾乎都是 good, fine, great, very well, super, excellent, fantastic 這類完全正面的詞
我唯一能判斷的就是他老兄又學了新的同義字
如果將來要回台灣考托福或 GRE 應該不無小補
除此之外天下太平無事
我樂於相信自己是個垂拱而治的好媽媽

可是最近看見別的精實的家長是那麼努力思考並檢討著 parenting 跟 gene 這兩大課題
我不禁大起有為者亦若是的鴻鵠之志
經審慎思考後決定第一步是先在每天必問的那句話裡掺上一點美人香草、忠君憂國的語調
以示那句話絕非虛應個卯

“How was your day?”
我昨天問
聲線微帶顫抖以示其誠
雙目深情凝視俾顯其真

“Bad”
一面扣安全帶一面漫不經心地回答

我的天 !
該來的終於躲不掉
乍聞我們家的二百五居然也有一個 bad day 了
媽媽一時間不知當憂當喜
趕緊 probe

“Oh no!!! I’m so sorry to hear that… What happened???”
媽媽的心梗在嗓子眼強自鎮定地 probe… 究竟發生什麼事了? 我須要掄起拳頭了嗎?

“Someone hit my head with something.”
聽到這種話馬上氣就洩了一大半
什麼 something、someone 嘛 !
這種報案法跟 「 肇事者於案發後已火速逃離現場，根據目擊者指出兇手是個身高約一百五十至一百八十公分高、性別及年齡不詳、 穿牛仔褲及短袖襯衫的幫派份子； 警方現正根據已掌握的線索追緝中 」 的跑馬新聞報導有何不同 ?
氣餒歸氣餒、probing 的責任還是得盡

“That’s not nice… do you know that person? What’s his or her name?”

“No, I don’t really know him. He is in the 3rd grade. I played with him only once a long time ago. In 2008 I think.”
聽到不丁丁大的小孩裝模作樣地 refer to the year as “two-thousand-and-eight” 差點笑場

“Ok. We’ll try to find this person tomorrow. I’ll ask the teacher. So what did you do after he hit you?”
也許是 Ethan 先發難的也不一定 ?

“I didn’t do anything. He just wanted to hit me. Mommy, do you have any candy in your bag?”
嗯，隨便轉移話題，看來非常有可能是他先發難的

“No, I don’t. Plus you have chewing gum in your mouth, don’t you? Who gave it to you?”
不能怪我忘記當下的主題是 my poor son had a bad day
有些口香糖真的香聞十里好 distracting 喔

“From the Spanish class”
課輔班免費提供 Spanish class
可不是我自作多情以為 Ethan 有朝一日可以精通多國語言

“Oh really? You must have been learning well today then, otherwise the teacher wouldn't have given you a treat. Don't you agree?”

“I didn’t learn any Spanish today or yesterday.”

“Then why did you get that chewing gum?”

“I don’t know.”

“Do you know how to say One in Spanish?”
為娘的至此已經完全忘了主題

“Uno”
哈 ! 還敢說 I didn’t learn any Spanish!

“Two?”

“I don’t know. I told you I don’t even know any Spanish!”

“Three?”
我哪有那麼容易放棄

“Tres maybe?”

“Four?”

“Cuatro I think…”

“Five?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know anymore after 4.”

“Ok, then why did you get that chewing gum?”
口香糖這麼香下次也幫媽媽要一個吧
我會數一到十 in Spanish

“The teacher just gave it to me. She didn’t say anything.”
原來是個 "Limit one per household. No purchase necessary." 的好老師

“Ok, so what was the kid’s name? The one who hit you on the head with something?”
媽媽繞了一大圈忽然想起原本的主題

“I don’t know. Plus you asked that already, and I already told you I don’t know.”
是我的咄咄逼人逼出了他的咄咄逼人嗎 ?
有必要連用兩個 already 嗎 ?
難道阿扁錯了嗎? 難道阿扁錯了嗎? 難道阿扁錯了嗎?

“Ok fine. What are you going to do if he hits you again?”
逝者如斯夫不捨晝夜，讓我們展望未來好了…

“I guess I’ll tell the teacher.”
做就做、加個 I guess 幹嘛呢 ?
唉 !

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到了這個田地媽媽已經知道可以不必再追查下去了
一段對話倒有十七八個 I don’t know
幹嘛浪費大家時間

最後來張不知道先生的經典 「 我不知道 」 表情 :





大人哪 !
小的是真的不知道哇 !
人不是我殺的
小的三杯下肚一覺醒來已經躺在王屠戶他婆娘的床上了
衣服也絕對不是小的狗膽自己脫的
冤枉啊青天包老爺....
您老發發慈悲放了小的吧小的回去給您立長生牌位啊 !